A Box of Broken Crayons

I love art. I love looking at it, creating it, and just being surrounded by it in any form. In fact, this week I wondered more than I have in years about my decision not to pursue art as a career, because I missed it so much. I got to do a lot of painting and I absolutely loved it.

Tonight, however, I went to the school I will be student teaching at, for their welcome back meeting, and was instantly reminded why I wanted to be a teacher. Working with kids, it’s all the things I love about art. It’s seeing beauty, especially beauty in hidden places. It’s seeing something others would overlook and seeing a story, a poem, a focus to a masterpiece. Its appreciating things created; captured beauty or even truth. More than anything it’s the hope. It’s the belief in a dream, or idea. It’s the conviction that there is more than what is seen, and that if you look deep enough you may find it. The same beauty that leaves me breathless in front of a masterpiece; the same passion I get consumed with when I see my paintbrush transform my canvas. It’s the same beauty and passion I get when I see my students. When I walk into a worn down school and look at all the children so many overlook. The ones only a few, if any, dream big futures for. I see them, and I instantly come alive.

Maybe it’s the way my Father has been raising me. The way He’s been telling me not to fear the pain, or fall for the lie that a broken thing is just that. The way He’s been telling me that He makes beautiful things, and if I want we can do some art together. How He calls me His masterpiece, and invites me to come and watch Him restore some of His other masterpieces. Maybe it’s because of that that I get excited when I see people and places others sometimes avoid.

I still remember something my kindergarten teacher told me. She was explaining that it was okay if our crayons broke; how she actually likes broken crayons better. Growing up an artistic perfectionist this stuck with me, because it sounded so outrageous. Broken crayons are not okay. I like my crayons tall and perfect. Or  should I say did. Now I understand where she is coming from. Broken ones are the best.  You can rip off the paper and rub them to get cool textures. And sometimes when they break, you get an even sharper edge that is perfect for coloring in the small detail spots. Broken crayons can be used in some pretty extraordinary ways. I think the same is true of people. There are a lot of people that look perfect, and they do some pretty noble things, and they sure look great in a box of crayons. But life isn’t that neat.

Being a mixed media artist, I have left my perfectionist ways behind. My art space quickly becomes a mess, and I never quite know what I am doing until I’m done. I have more ideas than I can use, far too many hopes, and the chaos of it all is what energizes me. I think that’s what I love about this school and others like it. The meeting was less than ideal. It was noisy and disruptive, with makeshift personal fans to cool us off. The academic stats were low, and there were more problems than achievements. But the principal was proud. She was hard and loving. She was authentic and transparent. She was an artist with a box of broken crayons, and she was loving it.

I have no clue what this year will hold, but the same passion I get when I begin a painting is quickly filling me now. I’m not sure what my masterpiece will look like yet, but as has been the case when I’m painting with my Father, I know it will be magnificent! 

A Simple Journey

I love carefree walks. By that I mean I would rather enjoy a nice walk through the park, over a stressful walk through a city where a map is needed (I hate maps!). And today I realized that I might be living a life comprised of many stressful city walks instead of cheery (and still adventurous, since cities can be very adventure filled!) walks in the park.  Today I went through a prayer labyrinth and was hit with so many insights and questions to ponder.  There was a sheet at the beginning of the labyrinth with some background information and tips on labyrinths and how one can go about praying through one. On it, it mentioned how labyrinths are often confused with mazes, but how they are not the same. A maze is a puzzle that needs to be solved, it requires logical decisions to be made in order to find the correct path; a labyrinth however, has only one path that one merely follows. This was the foundation to the insights that I was hit with as I walked it.

         What if our journey with God isn’t supposed to be some maze filled with a series of choices that need to be made in order to find the path He wants us on? What if we are making complicated something that He has simplified? What if there really is just one path and we just can’t see the clear lines that guide us though all the twists and turns?

        I don’t know if this is the case or not, but let me make some connections to how our lives might look if the journey with God was a labyrinth rather than a maze. (A quick analogy key: The guiding lines – the guiding Holy Spirit in our lives, a Spirit led life; the labyrinth- this life, our journey with God; the nature of a labyrinth, its dead ends and turns – the Christian life)

• When I began the labyrinth I had no clue what turns to make in order to get to the center, and yet I wasn’t stressed out because I knew, or I trusted that the lines would guide me. Also when the path would seemingly dead end and have me circle back and go the direction I had just come, I didn’t get mad or frustrated. I knew that it was just part of the nature of the labyrinth’s path. Efficiency to the center wasn’t the point of the labyrinth either, the journey was.

• Everyone, while they walk the same labyrinth, all have a different experience with it. Not only does everyone go at different speeds, stop at different points, and are challenged and learn different things during the journey, but one can walk alongside someone else for a time even if they are at very different points in the labyrinth, just because of the nature of its curves. We also might think we are very close to the center, or think we are going one direction, and then take a turn and find ourselves somewhere else completely, or end up in a section we had just come from. This seems to be very true of our individual walks with God, both in the way we interact with one another and sometimes go through seasons together, but also in how we seem to learn the same things over and over again.

How this idea can challenge us:

• How can we seek to strengthen our relationship with God and live such Spirit led lives that we just follow His guidance? The guiding lines were the foundation of why this whole labyrinth worked, the reason why I was able to just walk even though I didn’t know where I was going. Likewise, how can I live a life with this sort of effortless trust? Following the labyrinth’s guiding lines didn’t seem like a risky thing to do, it wasn’t hard to trust. So how can I approach my walk with God with that same kind of effortless trust?

• Maybe we are so caught up in the product, the end goal of things that we fail to realize the importance and value of the journey. Getting to the center wasn’t the goal of the labyrinth, walking the labyrinth itself, was. So how do we take time for the process to happen? And how do we trust the process enough to just enter into each day or season accepting all that comes as part of the journey? And I don’t just mean this in regards to trials, or uncertainties and unknowns where trust is required. I mean even in the midst of suffering.  Paul in his letter to timothy says, “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted” (2 Timothy 3:12). I’m not saying it will be easy, but it shouldn’t be shocking.  A dead end in a labyrinth isn’t shocking, we don’t say, “What, why did this door close, I thought you were leading me this way!” No, we don’t even think much of it; we just turn around and keep walking! Ok a door closing and suffering, aren’t the same thing, but it’s just this idea of being shocked. Why are we shocked when a door we thought would be open is closed? Why are we shocked when we find ourselves in a place we thought we had left, but have now returned to? Why are we shocked when suffering and persecution come, when the scripture clearly tells us it will? We knew the twists and turns were part of the journey when we began the labyrinth, likewise, don’t we know the characteristics of a journey with God!

With all this being said, it is easier said than done. And here’s a confession. A labyrinth isn’t hard to follow, and yet I somehow arrived at the entrance point and not the center after walking it for a while. I’m not sure where or when I messed up, but guess what, it was okay. I just walked into the center and had my time with God. Life with Him is simple. Love Him, love others, trust Him, worship Him, etc. They are all simple straight forward tasks, and yet we somehow screw it up. But it’s not game over. It doesn’t mean we miss out on being in the center with Him. I guess I could have let my embarrassment that I had messed up keep me from spending time in the center, but it seemed a little too legalistic. Likewise, the lie that what we’ve done, even if we feel like we are the only one, and that it’s just too big of a screw up, shouldn’t be reason enough for us to think we can’t enter into His presence. Don’t let shame keep you from what grace made a way for.

This is not an exhausted list of the comparisons I made, but I hope it gives you some thoughts to ponder as well. Maybe life with Him isn’t some complicated thing. Maybe rather than seeking wisdom all the time to make decisions about which way to go, we should seek a deeper and more evident relationship with Him. So that we can just see the guidance He provides and simply follow Him. Maybe the Bible isn’t some instruction manual, formula, or extensive sheet of directions since life isn’t a navigation of multiple paths, but rather just the act of following one path. Making the Bible simply a way for us to get to know Him and who He is, so that as we follow Him as a sheep would follow a Sheppard, we would recognize Him, and His voice and know what to follow.

Maybe this whole theory is completely wrong, and even if it isn’t completely wrong, I am sure it has flaws. But either way, this mindset on life seems to replace stress with trust, and decisions with guidance. It trades the knowledge of the destination for the excitement of a surprise. And in this adventure, since we aren’t caught up in making sure we are following  right the directions, we can simply enjoy the trip as we simply follow Him through every beautiful (not frustrating!) turn of the journey.

“Every day God invites us on the same kind of adventure. It's not a trip where He sends us a rigid itinerary, He simply invites us. God asks what it is He's made us to love, what it is that captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world He made. And then, leaning over us, He whispers, "Let's go do that together.” 

                                                                            ― Bob Goff

I think my life is better than a movie…

I love chick flicks. I also love action movies. Put them together and it’s just a great time. That’s kind of how I felt about Thor 2, and while my sisters always make fun of how much I try to take life lessons, truths, and dreams from movies, I couldn’t help myself with this one. I watched this movie a while ago, and of course was jealous of the life Natalie Portman portrayed as she was loved by a good looking god who saves the world and is madly in love with her. But then today as I reflected on my relationship with God and the way He pursues me, and loves me, and I realized that I’m Natalie Portman in this love story! I am unconditionally loved by not just a god, but the God; the one and only true God. And not to go overboard with the movie connections, but, together we get to fight against darkness to save the world! I mean He is clearly the superhero, but He still uses me in the storyline, and it’s pretty awesome!

I know this is all a little ridiculous, but if you really think about it, it’s actually true. We are living in the greatest storyline ever. It’s the greatest love story there ever was. Its action packed, featuring the world’s greatest superhero. And at the end of the day it isn’t just some movie that entertains us for an hour or two, it’s our life! Don’t waste anymore of your life wishing you had a life portrayed in some movie you like. Embrace the one you have. Bask in the love and love story you are in. Get an adrenaline rush in the adventures God is taking you on. Come to the climaxes of the continual battles we face in this spiritual warfare, and find yourself in awe of the way God once again comes out of nowhere to save the day. Don’t live in the blinding lie of believing you have a boring, mundane life. Open your eyes, fill your heart with His love, and get pumped for the life you are in. Cause ever since the day He choose you and made you His, you’ve been the lucky girl that every girl secretly wishes they were. You’ve been beautifully pursued. You’ve been madly loved. And now you get to go on all the crazy adventures with Him. So put the chocolates and tissues down, and go live the action chick flick you’re in.

Love Letters To God

I love love letters. They are so intimate and beautiful. I find it funny how I start off prayers the same way I would a love letter. Dear… and yet I don’t speak or write to God as my lover as often as I should. So for this entry, I want to write a love letter to God (after all He already wrote a whole book of them to me! I should probably write back.)

My Dearest God,

                I recently thought of what my life would be if I didn’t have you my love, and I found in tears that I would rather have never existed than to be in a life where I never saw you. And I say saw you, for you’ve always been there. You, my love, have pursued me, even when I was blind to it, but I have found that my deepest joy has come not from You loving me, but the moments when I was and am overwhelmed with the recognition of that love. And so my love, I am so glad that you opened my eyes and my heart to You and Your love. You’ve made me beautiful. You’ve taken me on adventures. You’ve given me the stars and bouquets of flowers the size of fields.

                My heart still longs for you though. It aches as it seeks for Your presence more and more. The beautiful creation You created for me has now become the gate keeping me from You. For I long to see Your face. To come to the place where I may always find myself in Your embrace. This land is not my home, for Your dwelling place is in the heavens and that is where my heart desires to be. But that time will come soon enough. The place where I can rejoice in the praising of Your name, where I can dance before You, and sing unto You amidst the sweet melodies of a host of angels. Until then, my dear, let’s make this our honeymoon until You bring me home. Let’s go on beautiful adventures together. Let’s take our love everywhere and let it change the world. Even though we aren’t home, let’s never be apart. Lets reveal in this love. My dear, You have become my hearts content. You have become the place where my dreams find meaning. You have become my everything, and I never want that to change. To lose you would be worse than a thousand deaths. And so I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth and back, if it means I never have to let go of Your hand. I’ll climb every mountain, I’ll say goodbye to everyone I’ve ever loved. And I’ll love everyone I have ever hated. I’ll give it all up. I’d do it all for you.  Because if it’s them or You, it’s not even a choice. My heart can’t go on without you. So this life. Beloved it’s Yours. Where You go, I’ll go. Where You stay, I’ll stay. And at the end of it all, I will say, “surely you must know, it was all for you” Every hard, or noble, sad, or beautiful, success or failure, everything I do is for You my love. It’s not for the world, it’s not for fame, or wealth, or success. It’s for you.

                Oh my dearest. I love you so, and yet even as I write this to you, my heart breaks as I see how I will break Yours. I’m sorry. I wish I could love You like You love me. I wish every claim I made, I could make true. I wish my love for You never faded. I wish I didn’t taint my life with all my love affairs. I’m sorry I can’t give You the love You deserve. I am sorry for it all. My love, I don’t deserve you, and yet I need you. I’m desperate for You. But let me not speak of this. Let me not ruin this moment. So my love, while it’s not the words, and promises you tell me, it’s everything I have. My love, in this moment, and hopefully forever, all my love is Yours. All my hopes, dreams, desires, adventures, all of my life, and the eternity afterwards, it’s Yours. All of it. Beloved, I love You.

                                                                                            With love, the one you call Yours

                                                                                                                                Christina

Oh what a glorious challenge it would be, to write love letters back to Him every day. I mean we are literally worlds apart (theologians don’t jump on that, I know the error of that statement, just work with me!), and so how beautiful would it be to read and write back love letters to Him as we let our love grow in this long distance relationship.

Radical Wanderlust

         I love spontaneous adventures! There is just something so thrilling about them. Maybe it’s because in that moment I get to be that person who takes life by the mane and just rides free into the sunset. I get to be an adventurer who lives for more than existence. But what if we took this idea of wanderlust; of desiring to wander into the unknown and live whatever adventure unfolds from doing such, and combined it with a radical life. You know the whole Jesus freak kind of radical. What if we desired to live a life that wandered into the unknown of each day and sought to courageously obey Him with whatever He asked of us? What if we started off each day and asked God, “Hey what do you want to do together today?” Can you even imagine a life like that?

            The thing is though, I’m not saying let’s all go to Africa or some underdeveloped country and see what kind of crazy missions he wants us to do. I mean if that’s the adventure He calls us to, then yeah. But I’m talking about a Radical Wanderlust that can happen in the day to day. I’m talking about the kind of life where I walk down the path on my way to classes, and say, alright God, what are we up to today? Take me where love is needed right here on campus. Give me eyes to see the hurt that needs comfort. The brother or sister that needs encouragement. The apathetic wanderer who needs to be ignited and inspired and then become my fellow Radical Wanderlust wanderer with me! I’m talking about the kind of life that Bob Goff chose as his book cover, Love Does: Discover a secretly incredible life in an ordinary world. I’m talking about just loving whoever God puts in front of us with crazy unexplainable love. Love that defies status quos, and is done for no other reason than “just because.” Bob Goff once said, “Don’t call it missions, call it Tuesday” I want a life like that!

        And today I got that (which is crazy because I started writing out this blog last night, and I thought I was done, but it was late so I didn’t feel like reading it over, and now I actually have a story to write about!). It was my friend’s birthday a couple of weeks ago, and for various reasons I didn’t get to his birthday present till today. So I’m out with my other good friend getting everything we need for it and it was turning into this fun spontaneous adventure, and in the car on our way back she says how she loves how our friend group just does all of these crazy things for each other that are kind of unheard of. And we talked about how it has become normal for us, and how we just love doing it, and how it makes us so happy. And it was crazy, because I saw in that moment that I was on a radical wanderlust adventure. I hadn’t realized it at first because it wasn’t “Christian” or anything, and it didn’t feel like a sacrifice or anything since it made me so happy. But as we talked I saw that it was, I was pouring out a lot of my time and self into this, but it was joy to me. And that’s when I saw the beauty of adventures with God. In the world’s eyes it might look like an irrational sacrifice. Why pour that much into a person. But really, it’s a gift to both the giver and the receiver. From start to finish I had so much fun. And while I was blessed in seeing the happiness our small act gave to our friend, I honestly think I got the better end of the deal. He got the gift in the moment; I was getting gifts the whole adventure through. And at the end of it all I got to call it Wednesday!

          So Radical Wanderlust. It doesn’t have to be something crazy. It doesn’t have to be some huge earth shaking adventure. It can be the small unusual small acts we let into our day. The small adventures we go on with our friends, which are really adventures we let Him take us on, as we seek to unleash the love we have been given from Him into the lives of those around us! It’s just loving those in front of us, regardless of whether it’s a little crazy or not and just doing it no matter what day of the week, month, or year it is. It’s a willingness to love for no other reason than love itself! Radical Wanderlust--it’s the adventures we go on when we love the way God designed us to.

Fairy Tales and Valentine's Day

I love fairy tales. Those, “and they lived happily ever after” stories. Last night I went to my school’s production of Into the Woods. For those of you unfamiliar with the play, the first half tells the intertwining tales of various fairy tales, and how they arrived to their happily ever after. The second half shares the true ever after, and how it isn’t so happy. The whole play had many interesting spins, but what led me to write this up, was today when I read a story in the bible whose story line seems quite similar.

I was reading Ezekiel 16, which my bible entitles The Lord’s faithless bride. Its starts off sharing the tragic state he finds his bride in. Much like Cinderella, who was unloved by her step family, the story writes of this bride to be, “No eye pitied you, to do any of these things to you out of compassion for you…you were abhorred, on the day that you were born.” It’s all terribly sad. I mean the life painted by these words seems quite hopeless. But what happens next, I think, is a far greater story than Cinderella’s journey to royalty. For unlike Cinderella who was clothed and seen in beauty in the eyes of her prince, this girl was seen by her prince in a state quite the contrary. The story reads, “And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’” The story proceeds to tell of how this girl got her happily ever after. How the prince made her his, and gave her everything. And if this story wasn’t similar to Into the Woods, but rather like the fairy tales we grew up with, the story would have ended like this, “You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God.” And oh how I wish the story could just end there. I mean I already love this story more than Cinderella. It’s a story of love not begotten by beauty, but rather love obtained by something greater. Love itself I suppose, though I am not really sure. It is a bit of an unknown why the King of Kings would love such a tragic thing, but it does make a beautiful love story nonetheless! And so I wish it would just end right there.

Sadly, however, the story doesn’t end there. It goes on to share the real ever after. An after that starts of like this, “But you trusted in your beauty and played the whore…” I’m not going to retell it, but I would encourage you to read it. It will make you mad and sad as you read in detail the wretched ugliness that this girl turns her beauty into, and then you will realize that you are the princess in this fairy tale. And like her, “happily ever after” wasn’t enough for you, so you ruined it. You’ll wish so desperately that the story never continued, you’ll wish that the book could have just stopped with its vague telling of the afterwards by using that cliché simple ending of happiness. But then a glimmer of hope will spark in your heart. A statement really, that says, maybe the story isn’t finished yet. Maybe there’s still a chance at a happy ending. Maybe the same kind of love that rescued the girl “wallowing in her blood,” will rescue the whore living in her filth and unfaithfulness. I mean it has to be a long shot, since who would rescue a whore, and yet that hope still remains. And then as you read about this one-of-a-kind prince; a prince whose father calls himself love. And you think maybe this story will be redeemed. Maybe this will be a grander love story yet.

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and as I think of all the love stories this world has produced, I can't help but think how I have yet to discover one grander than the one I’m in. The one where my prince claims me and grows me in exceeding beauty. I’m undeserving of it, I know. But this Valentine’s Day, I don’t want to make it about me and my filth. And what I turned my happily ever after into. I want to spend it reflecting the kind of love that was given me in spite of my filth. And I want to dream of the ending that is still to come as I let my Love reclaim me and make me His.

The Power to See Who We Are Becoming

I love superheroes. I know a lot of people do, but for good reason. There is just something about the kind of hope they bring. Like anything is possible.  I just really like them! What I don’t like, was when people asked the, “if you could have any super power, what would it be?” question. I hated being cliché, and I never knew what I really liked the most; they all seemed pretty cool. But I think I have finally discovered what superpower I want.  I know I mentioned this a few posts ago, but I really like what Bob Goff had to say about telling people who you see them becoming. That is what I want as a super power. I want to be able to give someone that kind of hope and encouragement. I want to be able to look at them and see all that they can become through Him. I mean how amazing would that be. It’s a little like seeing into the future, but in a beautifully hope filled way. Can you imagine the beautifully powerful impact that could have on people’s lives? The belief they might see in themselves from seeing who God is turning them into. So often we are unable to have hope because we don’t know what to hope in. We don’t have a picture of what we want. I wish I could somehow show people that picture. I wish I could show them a glimpse of their future self in Him. Give them that hope, so that they could press on towards it. I think that would be a beautifully powerful superpower!

Undeserving Love

I love the One I don’t deserve. To be loved can be a beautiful thing. To love, well that’s another story. Sure, if it’s mutual, it can be beautiful, maybe even epic. But more often than not, love is a risk. A dangerous, vulnerable, selfless risk. It makes me sad. How the fear of loving keeps so many from acting on it. But what if love wasn’t about what happens, but about the one we love. What if we loved like the One who loves us. What if we loved regardless of whether a person deserved it or not. What if we loved, because He first loved us? People will always hurt us, let us down, disappoint, and even betray us at times. But if we loved them not because of the love they showed us in return, but rather because we love Him; how would that affect this world? He loves us simply because He loves us, and His actions saved us all. Let us love for Love’s sake. Let our love be our praise and gratitude to Him. We aren’t deserving of His love and yet He loves us. The magnitude of His love is impressive, but what is more impressive is that He didn’t choose to love people who love Him back, but rather those who will choose other lovers over Him time and time again. I pray that we would not become a lover of lovers, but rather a lover of the One who is love. And that our love for Him would compel us to show His kind of love towards others.

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

New Life and Fuller Lives

                         

I love life! My sister recently brought an incredibly beautiful new life into this world, and made me the happiest aunt there ever was! I can’t even begin to describe the amazing feeling of holding that precious child for the first time. He’s a total stranger to me, and yet I love him so much, and can’t wait for the future as I get to see him grow, and see all that he will become. I wonder if there ever is a time when we are full of more potential than at the beginning when that is all we are?

It makes me wonder, however, what it would be like if we shared that kind of excitement for the future both in the ways we viewed others and ourselves? The other day I went my school’s January Series where the speaker, Bob Goff, challenged us not to tell people where they were, but to tell them who they are becoming. As I find excitement in the dreams of who my little nephew will become, I also want to seek to share this same excitement for the future of those around me. I want to see who they are becoming and dream with them of all that God is making them into. I want to share with my brothers and sisters in Christ who I see God making them into. I want to encourage them to dream of the ways God could use them as they pursue lives that are open to obey Him in whatever way He calls. Our lives will never cease having potential. Up until the day we die, and maybe even beyond, God will always be able to use our lives to bring Him glory. Let’s recognize the amazing potential we all have and find excitement as we seek to live a fuller life where our potential turns into purpose, passion, and reality.