I love when the lyrics to a song become my life. “Today was a fairytale, I wore a dress…” Tonight I went downtown with friends and got to watch thousands of lanterns be released into the sky at night. It was like I was in the movie tangled, and I got to pretend I was a princess as I stood by the water, all I was missing was a boat and a thief turned good!! But my fairytale of a day didn’t begin there, it lasted all day. Chapel was lead by Brilliance, and it was wonderful. They are such a good band, and as I stood there surround by hundreds of fellow students just worshipping our amazing God, I knew that this day, this life, was going to be good! Why, because it has his fingerprints in our lives, and that makes them beautiful and that is what we sang about.

You heard the cry of our hearts, and you came down
Freely you gave us your love, showing us how
Make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Where there is darkness, let me shine light
May your love cause us to open up, cause us to open up our hearts
May your light cause us to shine so bright that we bring hope into the dark
All that we do without love, it means nothing
Grant us the courage to give as you’re calling
Make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred let me sow love
Where there is darkness let me shine light
Hope for the hopeless, your love is
Strength in our weakness, your love is
May we love as you love

As I stood there soaking it all in I couldn’t help but be completely filled with pure happiness. This was my prayer that I would be able to love as He loves. That He could use me to be light in this world, to bring hope to the hopeless. It was such a beautiful and convicting thing. Was I giving my life over to God to use as He wished to show His love, or was I trying to keep it in, and not open up? This will be a continual prayer, but I know that He will work in me to create in me the woman that He designed me to become; to be His daughter, His shining light in this dark world, and that knowledge, that honor, fills me with utter joy. The service refocused and set my day off to a lovely start. I then got to discuss this amazing God some more with a good friend over lunch, which only added to the loveliness of the day. The afternoon soon lead to Frisbee games, and long boarding with friends, followed by my adventures in a city blanketed in thousands of lights. It was beautiful!!! But the city wasn’t just filled with light, it was booming with the excitement of Art prize, an event that is basically Grand Rapids, covered in art. It was awesome. The car ride back was a party too, lots of dancing and singing along to music blaring , and windows opened, including the sun roof, which we stuck our heads out of, even though it wasn’t a limo, or NYC, just Grand Rapids. These adventures were followed by a curly gone straight party, as we straightened some very curly hair, of two awesome siblings!! They looked completely different, and while it was fun, I’m glad they have their beautiful golden curly locks; it helps to radiate their happiness. I’m glad today was filled with so many fun adventures, and I’m so glad I have such awesome friends that help to turn my life into this happily ever after I’m spending every day in, with them. 

I love best friends, and I love when you realize just how big of blessing they really are. I love when you can’t help but smile, because you just know that out of everyone in the whole world, you really are the luckiest!! I love when we plead with God and then He answers us by showing us something we always had. That’s how I met Annie, my best friend forever, and that is who she continues to be to me; the answer to my pleading prayers. In ninth grade I spent many days crying and praying for a best friend, someone who would understand me, and laugh with me, and just go crazy with me, and the whole time I was praying, she was sitting right next to me in Chorus, I just didn't know! Years later, as I struggle, and pray, and cry, God once again, shows me, Annie, the girl always is, and always will be there for me. Last night at my college’s chapel service, our chaplain mentioned how God will give us the community we need to get the things He has us do, done. How sometimes we think we need something, or someone, but how we need to trust that God knows exactly what we need, and He will give it to us. Well, when I heard that, I didn't want to accept it. I just didn’t see how God was going to work it all out. But He did, and He continues to. He’s given me an amazing community here at Calvin, and back home. He’s given me an awesome family. And He’s given me Him. He is always there for me, even when I don’t see it. But just because He is so awesome, like David was given Jonathon, God gave me Annie, and tonight I once again realized how truly blessed that makes me. He used a girl 800 miles away, to once again answer a prayer I've been pleading with Him to answer. I’m so glad that He answers our prayers and continues to give us blessing we don’t deserve!!  

I love song lyrics because they always seem to say exactly what I feel, and they say it so beautifully and to music. This is the song that sums up the realizations I’ve come to recently, and my prayer now that I see how I can’t carry everything alone. God, give me the strength and wisdom to choose you and to trust you with my life; all the deepest parts of me.

A song by Ginny Owens, a Christian singer and songwriter who has some of the best lyrics!!

To Trust You

I'm knocking on Your door,

Won't you answer?

I'm waiting for a word,

Or just a whisper;

But if You can't answer me this time,

I can handle everything just fine

'Cause somehow I seem to think I have power,

And I know best how to make things better,

I try to carry everything alone,

But now the time has come to let go

To trust You with my life,

To believe You all the time,

And to leave my doubt behind,

Oh to trust You with my life.

Will I ever learn to stop and listen,

To keep knocking on Your door until it opens,

Teach me what it means to believe,

That You are strong enough to carry me

Oh, to trust You with my life,

To believe You all the time,

And to leave my doubt behind,

Oh, to trust You with my life.

And to give You everything,

All the deepest parts of me,

And to know You're always right,

To trust You with my life.

Broken here before You on my knees,

Is my only hope of finding peace

I was recently asked to literally write a ramble about myself, to give a little insight into my life, and this is what i wrote:

I love laughing, especially when I am at the dinner table with my whole family and none of us are eating anymore because we are laughing so hard. I love music, and dancing to it just because it’s so freeing to move around and just be happy. I love when I feel like I’m in an old movie because I have an apron on, and I’m making dinner, and I’m dancing throughout the kitchen to old music, like Frank Sinatra. I love dreaming, and I love old love stories. I love many things. I love winters because of hot cocoa, sleds, ice skating, snowmen, snow angels, and watching the house transform as you listen to Christmas music and decorate the tree. I love passionate people because they live life and glow when they talk about what they are doing. I love chocolate, because it is amazing, and I am a girl. I love Audrey Hepburn and Zooey Deschanel because they are both lovely actresses who just seem so happy and independent and loving. I love pictures because it captures the happiest of moments, and shows beauty in ways our eyes often miss. I love vintage things because it reminds me of a time when I think love was the strongest. I mean I probably am just a romantic, but the trials of the depression and wars made people hold on to those they love like no other time. In one of my favorite movies, Shining Through, Linda Voss, a woman in love with a high up Military commander who is about to get on a plane and who just said goodbye for what sounds like forever, since they just entered into WWII, says to him, “What is a war for if not to hold on to the ones we love?” And let me just say, the movie ends with them holding on to the things they love… each other. I love many things, and while I feel as if I could go on forever, I think that gives you a little insight into me. I’m a girl who loves to love.

I love when I just can’t stop smiling. I love when I just feel the need to dance and jump up and down and just go crazy because I have so much happiness inside and I just can’t keep it in. The reason for this joy? No special event or anything like that. Just God. I know that sounds weird, but He’s been working in me a lot these past few days, and He finally just won out, and now that He’s given me this joy, the kind of joy only He can give, I can’t help but be happy. I think its freedom. I’ve been holding on to so much and depending on my own strength for so long that it imprisoned me. It took away so of my joy and bonded me in fear and worry. I think this is a glimpse of what I’ve been seeking; this whole idea of loving fearlessly, and love casting out fears so that we can love fearlessly. The overwhelming realization of the extent of God’s love cast out my fears. I was able to let go of so much because I knew that I am held in the arms of a God who isn’t just loving, He is love!! I mean think about that. He is the definition of love. What fear could you possibly have if you are loved by love itself? There is no fear of rejection, or failure, or anything, because no matter what you are loved. So why am I so happy? I’m happy because I finally realized that I have nothing to fear. I’m happy because I was freed from all my worries. I am happy, because I am unconditionally loved by love itself. Nothing in my life has changed. I still have no idea how things are going to turn out, and where my life is headed, but my attitude towards that realization has changed. I guess it’s kind of like King Jehosephat when he was surrounded by enemies. He didn’t know what was going to happen, or how they were going to get out of it all, but He knew that God was in control and so he rejoiced!! Yeah, he rejoiced, he didn’t just stay calm and trust in Him, he rejoiced, because He knew God was about to do something amazing. I guess that’s a bit like how I feel. I still have no idea what to do about the problems life brings, but I can’t help but rejoice because God, not me, is in control, and He does some pretty amazing things!! “For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” (2 Chronicles 20:12b) How amazing is that, that when we feel powerless we can rejoice, because we are children of God, and He is power, and love, and just everything we need and more. My prayer is that we could all live in light of that. Live in the light of His love. Live fearless lives for Him, because His love for us casts out all of our fears already. 

I love when you hear a message so directed at you, and so well done that you literally can’t take your eyes off the preacher. Where you feel the urge to write down every word they say, but do nothing because any pause to get out a paper and pencil might cause you to miss out on even one word. As I sat in Chapel today I knew that God was using our awesome Chaplain, Mary Hulst, to teach me what I needed to hear. It was on the Sermon on the Mount and the Blessings only God can give. She talked about our need to do it all; to prove that we can do it all. And as she continued to talk I knew I was exactly the kind of person she was describing. I’ve always wanted to do it all, be included in everything. Maybe it’s a middle child thing, always wanting to be in both groups, to do what both the older and younger sibling were doing. Whatever the reason that has been the problem causer all my life. I fill my life beyond busy, even when everyone around me tells me that less is more. And then I find that I can’t do it all, or worst I think I can even when I’m not and I add more to my life. Anyway she talked of how these aren’t the blessings God gives, but the world. Nowhere in the bible does it say, “Blessed are those who achieve the highest GPA’s for theirs in the scholarships.” Or “Blessed are those who work hard in sports, for theirs is the championships.”  Or my favorite, “Blessed are those who do it all, for they will be loved and in high demand by everyone.” These are the blessing I’ve been pursuing whether I realized it or not, and as my pastor shared yesterday, these aren’t the blessings I should be in pursuit of. Then Pastor Mary made the statement that almost led me to tears right there, “Don’t you want to be blessed by someone you don’t have to impress?” Christ didn’t stand on a mountain blessing those who had it all together, He gave the blessing to those “who weren’t making it and could no longer fake it.” I can’t do it all, I’m just a normal girl, trying to make a difference in this big world, but I think I’m just beginning to realize, I am too small. The one that is big is God, and unless I rest in His peace, and pursue Him, I will never find, or achieve what I am looking for. I’m beginning to see this truth, but I know I’m still far from living it out. Even as I write I am scared to think of what this actually means. What things do I need to get rid of in my life? Everything seems so important, and maybe they are to some degree, but none are more important than God, and if I let the busyness of life keep me from making time for Him, or even being able to rest in Him, then they need to go. I’m glad God is continuing to make me new, but for anyone reading this, prayer that I would actually listen, I mean listen to the point of making lifestyle changes, that would be wonderful. I don’t know what this means for my life, but if it means that I am finally pursing the blessing only God can give, and not the world’s blessings, than I know it’s a change for the better.

I love the peace that only God can give. I love when he teaches you something in Church and then life happens, you get down, and God reminds you of what He just taught you, and you are able to apply it to your life. Some like to call it good timing, I like to call it God’s timing. He’s teaching you the lessons He knows you are going to need. Today in church the pastor gave a sermon on the purpose of the church, but during the intro he made a statement that really caught my attention. “Don’t let blessings become about the stuff of this world, but rather the relationship with Him.” I think that’s what I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been making life about what I want, and I’ve been letting that determine my attitude. If things are going good, I’m happy, if things aren’t, or I’m frustrated, or disappointed, then I’m sad and down. But that’s a pretty selfish lifestyle; and a life all about me isn’t the life I was created for. We were created to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. So true blessing are when God puts events and circumstances in our life that bring us closer to Him, and teach us more about Him. So while my life hasn’t been everything I wanted, it has been pretty blessed. In fact it is blessed because it hasn’t been everything I wanted. I serve a God who doesn’t give me what I want, but rather what I need. What I think I love the most, though, is that He never gives up on me. Even when I’m so consumed with me, me, me, He never stops gently calling me back. He whispers in His voice of truth until I let go of part of myself, and make room for Him. And that is what I love; I love when I finally hear Him call, when I finally hear Him whisper my name and ask me to follow Him, and trust Him. I’m so glad God chose me, loves me, and never gives up on me. As the pastor also stated this morning, “Christ not only redeemed us, He is also restoring us.” I love the fact that God is so amazing, and I love my Mom, who God also chose to use in my life today, as He has done my whole life. Thanks mom for always telling me what I need to hear even if I don’t want to hear it at the time. I’m so glad God gave me you as my mom!

I love when you start a night with a group of people and then walk away from it knowing that you just made some awesome friends. That’s what happened last night when I went to Celebration on the Grand with some of the awesome freshman on my floor. I started the night not even knowing all their names and then after a few fails, some awesome fireworks, and tons of laughs I found myself in the midst of six new friends. I loved all the laughs we shared at Culver’s and how close we got. Literally, I mean there were way too many people in that one car, but it was all worth it!! I loved how we needed two GPS’s eight girls, and all eyes on all of the road signs just so we could get home. I loved how much we all hated the fact that Saturday Night radio destroys all good radio hits with their remixes!! I loved how we finally found the 1^st Huiz guys after many failed attempts, only to leave them right away!! Maybe next time guys, if we go someplace other than a hotdog place and you give us better directions! Last night was fun and I can’t wait for the rest of the good times to come this year. I’m so glad I have an awesome roomie as a friend. I’ll love you forever Abby!! And I can’t wait to get to know you better, Maxine, Kendra, Mia, Mikaela, Erin, and Tantzi.

 





I love Chaos day!! And I love KHvR!!!!! I am beyond proud of my dorm. For anyone reading this who has no clue what Chaos Day is, it is a day my college spends in competition with each other. Every dorm picks a theme, dresses up and then battles it off in various games!!! And let me just say, KHvR was dressed to kill. We were ancient Greece. We were warriors. We were gods and goddesses. We were Sparta.  Some wore togas, some wore cardboard. Some wore next to nothing, just cape, sword and shield and some tight shorts, since let’s remember, we are not in ancient times and this is a Christian college!! But we looked great, and we cheered loud!!! Did we win? Well that would have to be a no, but I loved it anyway. No other dorm came even close to looking like us. When we marched in, fear is what they felt.  We weren’t 300 strong (less than two hundred of us stood). Nor were we Spartan strong. But we were KHvR strong!! And that is still a force to reckon with. Our banners s, or warriors, our Pegasus!! It was the definition of Awesome, and I loved it all. I loved screaming till my throat hurt. I loved rushing out with hundreds of others to wobble!! And I loved lying out in the sun afterwards, during the BBQ at the end. Chaos day is a day to remember!! And while we didn’t win, I know that KHvR will be remembered. “Remember this day, (KHvR), for it will be yours for all time.”

I love lilies. I love the 1940s. I love art supplies. I love being outdoors. I love laughing to the point where it becomes an ab workout. I love the daydreams of a new beginning. It seems as if everything I try, I fall in love with, and so when I decided to begin a blog, I knew it needed to be able to be about all that I love.  So hear it goes. I hope this will become a wonderful and seemingly random recollection of all the thoughts, moments, and people I love.

I love when you realize, once again how amazing God is. When you look back and see the stitches of God’s steady hand as He wove all of the pieces of your messed up life together to create something beautiful. The moments when you step back and realize that all the joy, pain, confusion, and frustration you went through, led you to a point of becoming; a new point of becoming more like the one who created you.  Today, as I was surrounded by hundreds of fellow Calvin students singing out in praise to Him, the words of that old, beloved, hymn, Come Thou Fount, it all began to click. His love is so amazing and unchanging that I have nothing to fear. It’s a lesson He’s been teaching me, but as I sang the words of this hymn, I saw their meaning in light of my struggles.  My fear of losing all that I love due to my blindness of seeing all that they truly mean to me.  As I sang the words, “Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love,” I realized how unfaithful I am in my love to Him. It voiced my shame, and reminded me of my fear. If I say I truly love Him, then why do I find it so easy to daily leave Him. And, if I can’t even truly love Him, how will I ever be able to truly love others, and in that case, be loved. But the song sang of more than my weakness. “Jesus sought me when a stranger, wondering from the fold of God. He to rescue me from danger interposed His precious blood.” My love is weak, but His love is strong. It finds me, and rescues me. It lets me sing, “I’ll praise the mount, I’m fixed upon it. Mount of Thy redeeming love.” His love for me isn’t just rescuing, it’s redeeming. I don’t need to live in fear of being rejected, because His love receives me. I don’t need to live in fear of my love not being worthy enough, because that price is already paid. His love frees me from all fears so that I can live and love fearlessly. Life will always have its hardships and frustrations. Fear and worry will most likely creep in time after time, but we are still surrounded by His love. And it is in that realization that we can let go of fears. My life is still far from that of a fearless girl marching out into this world to do His work and be His light, but God is taking me step by step and showing me how to live my life in this world, complete in His unfailing love.  My prayer is still that He would continue to, “Bind my wandering heart to Thee,” but my joy is in seeing all that He does in and through me, as He shows me how to let go of my fears and fall into His love.